Unremovable Windex and Pooing Pine Trees

There were lots of times when my parents did things when I was a kid that left me speechless. You know, moments of braindeadness that made you wonder how you were made of the same DNA. I never understood. Now I understand

Our brain cells are dying and we have only been parents for 2 months. This is not good.

Example 1 - McKenzie was drying her hair upstairs and I walked into the bedroom. "Hey, there is a bird that just sits up in this tree and poops. I have been drying my hair for 5 minutes and he has pooped like 12 times. Watch out if you walk under there" she tells me. I started thinking and concluded that anything short of a pelican sitting on our pine tree or a flock of seagulls probably would not produce that much poo in a 5 minute window. Based on recent events, the only thing I know of that is capable of that much poo in such a short time period is a 10 pound toddler who lives in my house, smiles at me, and wakes me up at night. I glanced out the window to catch a glimpse of the pooing beast and saw the entire backyard covered in pine needles. Sure enough, they would fall off the tree as the wind blew them off at a rate of 12 needles per five minutes. I had to break the news to Kenzie, who was too tired to even be embarrassed at the faulty thought process that had just occurred.

Example 2 - Immediately following the pooing pine tree debacle I resolved to clean and wash both of our cars. I got my bucket, paper towels, windex (which is also a helpful remedy for cuts and scrapes), scrubber, and soap and headed to the driveway. I spend an hour vacuuming and cleaning the windows. Then, when I was on the last windshield, I sprayed the windex on to the windshield. In my defense, I was cleaning the Corolla which is a tiny car and quite a sqeeze for big old me. I started wiping the windex off and got to the very last bit of the window and noticed little specks of liquid still on my windshield on the side I already wiped. I leaned back over and started wiping them and stared in disbelief as they wouldn't wipe off. I tried again, for the third and final time without any luck. Only then did I realize the specks were from raindrops and they were actually on the outside of the windshield. I started to call the Pope and declare that I had found a miracle bottle of Windex that would never be wiped clean, but I hung up quickly when I found out it was just raining.

2 months down. We don't stand a chance.

Pictures for your viewing pleasure

Thumbs Up

Our little baby is already showing a lot of personality. Whenever there are people around, she does NOT want to sleep. She fights it and fights it for as long as she can and then when she finally does fall asleep, she will wake back up in 30-40 minutes. In some ways this is bad because I don't get to nap very often, but on the up side, it means she sleeps pretty well at night. Either way, she is always exhausted by the time evening comes and usually has to cry a little before she goes to sleep. Last night was no exception. We spent all day Saturday in DC at the temple and lunch with Tyler and Amy. We drove up on Friday night and stayed at a hotel for the sake of the kiddo. Saturday morning she decided 6 am was a great time to wake up. She also decided that she wanted to be awake all day. So last night when we finally got home she was completely wiped out. She fell asleep and I heard this weird noise so I looked over to see she had found her thumb. It was adorable! She wasn't so much sucking on it as much as she had it in her mouth and was licking at it. I laughed for a while but decided to replace the thumb with the pacifier because I don't want her to be sucking her thumb when she is 8. She is still a lot of fun and we love getting to see her do cute things like that!

On a side note, we have some friends staying with us for a few days. Their three-year-old came up to me, patted my tummy and asked if I still had a baby in my tummy. I told him I didn't, to which he replied, "Oh, it's just fat?" Gotta love kids!

Sometimes she gets so tired that she falls alseep before she can burp...

A Stupendous Failure

I am happy to report that I have found my epitaph.

Here lies Nathan Winn. He Was A Stupendous Failure.

Where did I find this wonderful saying? It was located on a sign in Petersburg Virginia, just 20 minutes down the road from Richmond. You see, some rebels were hanging out there about 150 years ago and they decided to dig a fort made of piles of dirt and put some cannons in them. Then, during the war of northern aggression, some northerners decided they wanted a "more perfect union" or something and came and surrounded the fort. The rebels would not surrender so they sat in their fort. Some northerners decided to dig a hole under the rebels and blow them up with gunpowder. Result - a really big hole in the ground that is still there AND something that my dad is super interested in when he comes to visit. I am sure the northerners had my dads visit in mind when they decided to blow the rebels up and I send them my thanks.

The Hole

My dad came to visit this past weekend and we took a trip to Petersburg to do some snooping around and get our learn on. Kenzie, Bruce, Kenna and I piled into the car and bought the audio tape tour and drove around the little road to see the sights. We saw many things.

Bruce - the resident historian

I commanded some cannons

Bruce spotted the Yanks

Kenzie and Kenna found the shaft where they dug the tunnel

And the Winn family found some sandbags!

We had a wonderful time showing my dad around Richmond. He got to meet Gary, our waiter at Mimi's, he got to drive down Monument Ave and see the biggest Robert E. Lee statue ever, got to see the Richmond Capitol, Confederate White House, and he was introduced to Leverage (TV Show) as well as the Firebirds BLT salad. He was a fan of it all.

I did find it odd that little Kenna has only been alive for 5 weeks and we already are lugging her around to civil war sites. It is just another example of how I am slowly becoming like my father. I whine and whine about how I had to go around and visit civil war sites as a kid because my dad was interested in the Civil War. And there I was with my five week old baby staring at "the crater". I am sorry Kenna.

It is always fun to have a little dad time. He is one of the most interesting people that I know. We have been reading some of the same books recently and it is lots of fun to have something to talk to him about that does not involve football or repressed memories of my childhood. I had a couple cool conversations asking him who his heroes were and he cited some guy named Abraham Lincoln and some other notable figures. I only have a couple of heroes but the Bruceman is at the top of my list. He sure is a great dad. Thanks for the visit buddy!

One Month Check-up

Yesterday was Kenna's one month check-up and she is packing on the pounds. She weighed 8 lbs 14 oz and was 21 inches long. That puts her between the 25 and 50 percentile. Not bad considering she only weighed 6 1/2 lbs when she was born. The poor child also had to have her second round of the Hep B vaccine. I hated watching her get stuck. I never realized how far in they jam the needle. It took a long time to calm her down after the nurse stuck her. She was also much fussier this time around. This is what she looked like all day...


She has also decided, for whatever reason, that she does not like to sleep during the day. I guess she thinks there is something she will miss out on. Usually she gets one good three hour nap in and then dozes for 30-40 minutes with her eyes half open before deciding to wake up and look around. It looks something like this...

It's not too bad until about 7 pm when she is so tired from not sleeping during the day that she gets fussy and has to be held and rocked to sleep. We don't mind, though, because she is so cute. It takes her a while to get calmed down and go to sleep, but the good news is that she will usually sleep straight from 10 to 2:30 or so. This gives mom a nice little bit of sleep. Then, she is up again when the sun comes up, sure she is missing something that is going on. It's funny though because in the morning I can just lay her on the bed and she will stare at the ceiling fan, look at me, look at Nate and then go back to the ceiling fan. It's a pretty funny sight to wake up to.

We have also started taking walks with her. She loves to be pushed in her stroller and usually will fall asleep. Last night though, we forgot her pacifier (rookie mistake). She cried for a while, but managed to doze off eventually.

In other news of firsts, she also had her first major blow out. She some how managed to poop out the back top of her size 1 diapers, all over her back. Anyone who has seen her in these diapers knows they are huge on her. How she managed to get it out the top of the back of her diaper is beyond me. It is also looking like it will happen more frequently - her poops are beginning to make their way up the small of her back. Anyway, we had to wash out her jammies and blanket, but we managed. We are still having a lot of fun with her. Life is good.

Parenting Professionals

Let's face it, I am a total pro at this taking care of Kenna "parenting" thing. Why am I a pro you might ask? Answer: It has been just over a month and she is still alive. That's right folks, Nate is a parenting genius.

If diaper changing was as popular as Nascar, I would be on Dale Earnhardt's pit crew. For real. I mean, I get the kid on the changing blanket, undo the ridiculous clothes with their buttons and zippers, place the new diaper under Kenna's butt, unstrap the diaper, assess the damage, apply wet ones to the appropriate area in the appropriate quantity, tightly seal the old diaper with the straps, secure the new one, refasten the zippers and buttons and BAM the kid's diaper is changed. All that within 10.2 seconds. You can't beat that. I am going to make a T-shirt that says "Kenna's Pit Crew - 10.2 Seconds".

And my genius is not just around cleaning up poop. I can swaddle to keep all appendages safely nestled in blankets, I can rock, cradle, soothe, comfort, and sing to the baby. As if that wasn't enough, I also can make a bottle AND feed it to her. I can burp her, change her clothes, clean up her spit up, handle her fussiness, watch her sleep in her swingie-chair, and can place a binkie in her mouth.

I don't see what the big deal is parents. Teenagers certainly cannot be any harder. I have been at it a month and I have it all figured out. I can hear you saying it now though, "It is so easy when they are little, just wait until they are teenagers." To you I say this - You are not a pro. All you have to do to handle teenagers is apply the lessons of the first month. I am sure Oprah will ask me to write a book on it in a few months, but I spoke with my publicist and am willing to release a few pointers.

Example 1 - When daughter comes home crying about the boys that don't like her at school or the girl that is mean to her or how life isn't fair or how it is so tough being her and living her life and she won't stop crying and whining about it.... All you have to do is turn the hairdryer on high, sit it next to her while she is crying it bed, and she is quiet within 1 minute and asleep within 5. Problem solved.

Example 2 - When daughter brings home a dude who is too cool for school and homeboy is wearing girl jeans and a shirt that is too tight and his hair is about 28 inches too long and hasn't seen a comb for a month or two.... All you have to do is take the boy in the back, put him in a little blue tub and scrub the heck out of him with the ducky wash cloth. Make sure that the floating duck thermometer says the water is between 90-95 and only use the baby shampoo so when he gets it in his eyes he doesn't cry. Once the bath is over put him in the frog jammies. Problem solved.

Example 3 - When your daughter starts talking back about how unfair life is and what awful parents you are and how Becky at school doesn't have parents that make her do homework and how you are ruining her life.... All you have to do is stick a binkie in her mouth and keep it in there. She will try spitting it out in the first minute or two and might ever squirm and squeal, but trust me, she will eventually take it and you will enjoy some quiet. Problem solved.

These are just a few examples of my pro-hood. To other newbie parents, get your act together. Those with teenagers, take some notes. Learn from Kenna's Pit Crew - 10.2 Seconds.

There will now be an intermission of baby pictures followed by what McKenzie has learned in the first month of parenting.

Hmmm, it is hard to say exactly what I have learned because it has been a lot, but I’ll give it a try.

1. I can survive on a lot less sleep than I thought I could.
2. I am a much lighter sleeper than I ever realized.
3. I need to change the diaper before I feed Kenna or everything I feed her comes back up.
4. Babies are much smarter than they let on. Kenna knows when I sit down while she is trying to go to sleep and lets me know that she doesn’t like it.
5. Babies poop best in fresh, clean diapers.
6. Burping, farting, snorting, snoring and other “socially inappropriate” noises are cute when they come out of an 8 lb person…and it is okay to laugh at them.
7. Big smells can come out of little people.
8. Getting up at two in the morning can actually be fun and I often find myself laughing and smiling even though I’m awake and an ungodly hour.
9. Babies grow up too fast.
10. Kenna has different cries for different wants/needs.
11. Family naps are fun.
12. You have to laugh it off. Maybe it’s the sleep deprivation, but it is actually funny when a baby pees all over themselves/you/your furniture while you are trying to change them.
13. I don’t mind the eye boogers and baby drool on my shirts, in fact I think it’s kind of cute.
14. Being a parent is much more fun than I ever thought it would be.
15. I love my little baby.